GEORGE CARLIN ON THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
from "Complaints and Grievances" (HBO special)

Here is my problem with the ten commandments- why exactly are there
10?

You simply do not need ten. The list of ten commandments was
artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. Here's
what happened:

About 5,000 years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got
together to try to figure out how to control people and keep them in
line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe
anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them
some commandments, up on a mountain, when no one was around.

Well let me ask you this- when they were making this **** up, why did
they pick 10? Why not 9 or 11? I'll tell you why- because 10 sound
official. Ten sounds important! Ten is the basis for the decimal
system, it's a decade, it's a psychologically satisfying number (the
top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed). So having ten
commandments was really a marketing decision! It is clearly a ********
list. It's a political document artificially inflated to sell better.
I will now show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and
come up with a list that's a little more workable and logical. I am
going to use the Roman Catholic version because those were the ones I
was taught as a little boy.

Let's start with the first three:

I AM THE LORD THY GOD THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME

THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN

THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH

Right off the bat the first three are pure ********. Sabbath day?
Lord's name? strange gods? Spooky language! Designed to scare and
control primitive people. In no way does superstitious nonsense like
this apply to the lives of intelligent civilized humans in the 21st
century. So now we're down to 7. Next:

HONOR THY FATHER AND MOTHER

Obedience, respect for authority. Just another name for controlling
people. The truth is that obedience and respect shouldn't be
automatic. They should be earned and based on the parent's
performance. Some parents deserve respect, but most of them don't,
period. You're down to six.

Now in the interest of logic, something religion is very uncomfortable
with, we're going to jump around the list a little bit.

THOU SHALT NOT STEAL

THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS

Stealing and lying. Well actually, these two both prohibit the same
kind of behavior- dishonesty. So you don't really need two you combine
them and call the commandment "thou shalt not be dishonest". And
suddenly you're down to 5.

And as long as we're combining I have two others that belong together:

THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTRY

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE

Once again, these two prohibit the same type of behavior. In this case
it is marital infidelity. The difference is- coveting takes place in
the mind. But I don't think you should outlaw fantasizing about
someone else's wife because what is a guy gonna think about when he's
waxing his carrot? But, marital infidelity is a good idea so we're
gonna keep this one and call it "thou shalt not be unfaithful". And
suddenly we're down to four.

But when you think about it, honesty and infidelity are really part of
the same overall value so, in truth, you could combine the two honesty
commandments with the two fidelity commandments and give them simpler
language, positive language instead of negative language and call the
whole thing "thou shalt always be honest and faithful" and we're down
to 3.

THOU SHALT NOT COVET THY NEIGHBOR"S GOODS

This one is just plain ****in' stupid. Coveting your neighbor's goods
is what keeps the economy going! Your neighbor gets a vibrator that
plays "o come o ye faithful", and you want one too! Coveting creates
jobs, so leave it alone. You throw out coveting and you're down to 2
now- the big honesty and fidelity commandment and the one we haven't
talked about yet:

THOU SHALT NOT KILL

Murder. But when you think about it, religion has never really had a
big problem with murder. More people have been killed in the name of
god than for any other reason. All you have to do is look at Northern
Ireland, Cashmire, the Inquisition, the Crusades, and the World Trade
Center to see how seriously the religious folks take thou shalt not
kill. The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being
negotiable. It depends on who's doin the killin' and who's gettin'
killed. So, with all of this in mind, I give you my revised list of
the two commandments:

Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy
nookie.

&

Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they
pray to adifferent invisible man than you.

Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in
his ****in' pocket. I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama posting
them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional
commandment:

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.