Silent Bob
11-24-2005, 01:37 AM
Essential Tech Tips
Commonly used techniques have been indicated by **
Never ask leading questions
Tech: Do you have at least 8 megs of RAM?
User: Yes
Tech: (20 minutes later) Why didn't you tell me you only had 2 megs of RAM when I asked?
User: What's RAM?
Always look for the simplest solution first**
User: I haven't been able to get e-mail all week (one assumes they've gotten it before )
Tech: Are you connected to the internet when you try?
Customer: Do I have to be?
Focus the user in on the problem. Otherwise, you could hear the entire story of the machine from the time they bought it.
User: Then I bought my printer, and I had trouble with that...
Tech: What is the exact problem you are having right now?
User: Oh. That was when...
Give users explainations they can handle, not the truth
Bad:
Tech: There is a way to do that but I don't think you're literate enough to follow my instructions.
Better:
Tech: Sorry, I don't know any way for you to do that.
Find as many ways as possible to get a user to go where you want them to. One of them will usually work.
Tech: Click on File and go down to Run.
User: It's asking me if I want to exit Windows.
Tech: No. Go to File and down to Run.
User: It's asking for a Program Group or Program Item.
Tech: On the keyboard, hit Alt-F. Now hit the "R" key.
User: It's asking for a Command Line.
Tech: Good. Now type in...
If you give a list to a user, give "quick-out" options at the beginning and end
Tech: What type of computer do you have: 286, 386, 486, Pentium, or XT?
User: Uhhhh... an XT!
Tech: I'm sorry, or software will only run on a 386 or better...
(for ISP techs only) Tell 'em to reboot and try again.**
User: Eudora keeps timing out when I send mail.
Tech: Have you tried rebooting since you got the error?
User: Actually, no. Should I try that?
Tech: Sure.
User: Hey! It's working now! Thanks!
Punt the call when ever possable. Especialy when customer is clueless.**
Tech: You must make sure that only the last device on your SCSI chain is terminated.
Customer: What's SCUZZY?
Tech: You'll need to call Apple.
Say everything with confidence & authority. Give the end user the impression of 'all-knowing' technicians**
Bad:
Tech: (whiney voice) Well, I think you need to re-install your driver software.
Good:
Tech: (booming, confident voice) You must reinstall your driver software in order to make this work.
Use acronyms and jargon to make the customer respect your suggestions. The jargon doesn't need to apply to the subject. Just don't use buzzwords, (ie cd rom, internet, multimedia, etc.)
User: My modem puts out gibberish when I log onto your site.
Tech: Oh. It's probably your PPP stack, misinterpiting our ISDN line protocal. Just press the reload button, and it should re-initialize you cache IRC.
User: Uhhh... Ok... Thanks.
Reading instructions to the user works when their reading them doesn't**
Tech: (After spending 10 minutes reading straight from the manual) And what's it doing now?
User: It's working!!! I wonder why it didn't work when I did it.
Do not hesitate, especially when you're trying to BS a user. It is a definite tip-off, even when you're being truthful. Always keep them busy-- that's why MicroSoft includes MSD and Sysedit; and why MacOS has extensions.
User: Your program gives this strange error message when I try to launch it on my Mac.
Tech: First, let's try restarting without extensions. That usually clears it up.
Tech: (Hunts for anything pertaining to that unusual error message while the user is busy.)
Pregnant pauses or holding can be useful sometimes for adding credence to BS answers
User: When will you guys add a world domination option to your word processor?
Tech: Let me check on that for you.
Tech: (Places caller on hold while plays a couple hands of solitare.) It's tentatively scheduled to be in the next release, but it's rather low on the list of priorities so it might not make it in.
Users magically find what they couldn't before if you tell them they need to reinstall
Tech: ...Look again. The Network control panel should be in there.
User: I've told you three times already, it's not there.
Tech: That's a basic Win95 component. If it's not there, you'll need to reinstall Win95.
User: (Almost instantly) Wait! I found it!
Never believe a user; convince yourself.
User: I can't print from Word!
Tech: Have other programs the same problem?
User: NO!
Tech: Please open Notepad, type ABC123 and select file-print....
User: Does not print....
Tech: Well, you do not have a Word specific problem.
User: But its the only program I use...
People generally can't handle the technical details behind why something happens. Use analogies.
Tech: A general protection fault is like two cars on the freeway trying to occupy the same lane at the same time. They crash. We need to find out who caused the car crash and check memory to see if it made the freeway too narrow and forced the cars to crash.
If a user demands an explaination for a fix and you're not sure, make up a very "technical" one
Tech: You've had a critical error which cause a warp-code meltdown and I reset the buffer switch in the jibberish.ini file
Some users must be reminded why they called you, instead of fixing it themselves
Tech: Well, sir, it is your computer and you don't have to change the init string if you don't want to. However, there's not much point to our talking if you won't accept my suggestions.
Don't try to force your knowledge on someone
Tech: What kind of internet connection do you have?
User: Netscape
Tech: Hmm, that'd probably be dial-up PPP.
User: No, I said I use Netscape to get on the net!
Tech: There's no such connection type as 'Netscape'.
User:Well, I am using it.. Don't you feel dumb now?
Commonly used techniques have been indicated by **
Never ask leading questions
Tech: Do you have at least 8 megs of RAM?
User: Yes
Tech: (20 minutes later) Why didn't you tell me you only had 2 megs of RAM when I asked?
User: What's RAM?
Always look for the simplest solution first**
User: I haven't been able to get e-mail all week (one assumes they've gotten it before )
Tech: Are you connected to the internet when you try?
Customer: Do I have to be?
Focus the user in on the problem. Otherwise, you could hear the entire story of the machine from the time they bought it.
User: Then I bought my printer, and I had trouble with that...
Tech: What is the exact problem you are having right now?
User: Oh. That was when...
Give users explainations they can handle, not the truth
Bad:
Tech: There is a way to do that but I don't think you're literate enough to follow my instructions.
Better:
Tech: Sorry, I don't know any way for you to do that.
Find as many ways as possible to get a user to go where you want them to. One of them will usually work.
Tech: Click on File and go down to Run.
User: It's asking me if I want to exit Windows.
Tech: No. Go to File and down to Run.
User: It's asking for a Program Group or Program Item.
Tech: On the keyboard, hit Alt-F. Now hit the "R" key.
User: It's asking for a Command Line.
Tech: Good. Now type in...
If you give a list to a user, give "quick-out" options at the beginning and end
Tech: What type of computer do you have: 286, 386, 486, Pentium, or XT?
User: Uhhhh... an XT!
Tech: I'm sorry, or software will only run on a 386 or better...
(for ISP techs only) Tell 'em to reboot and try again.**
User: Eudora keeps timing out when I send mail.
Tech: Have you tried rebooting since you got the error?
User: Actually, no. Should I try that?
Tech: Sure.
User: Hey! It's working now! Thanks!
Punt the call when ever possable. Especialy when customer is clueless.**
Tech: You must make sure that only the last device on your SCSI chain is terminated.
Customer: What's SCUZZY?
Tech: You'll need to call Apple.
Say everything with confidence & authority. Give the end user the impression of 'all-knowing' technicians**
Bad:
Tech: (whiney voice) Well, I think you need to re-install your driver software.
Good:
Tech: (booming, confident voice) You must reinstall your driver software in order to make this work.
Use acronyms and jargon to make the customer respect your suggestions. The jargon doesn't need to apply to the subject. Just don't use buzzwords, (ie cd rom, internet, multimedia, etc.)
User: My modem puts out gibberish when I log onto your site.
Tech: Oh. It's probably your PPP stack, misinterpiting our ISDN line protocal. Just press the reload button, and it should re-initialize you cache IRC.
User: Uhhh... Ok... Thanks.
Reading instructions to the user works when their reading them doesn't**
Tech: (After spending 10 minutes reading straight from the manual) And what's it doing now?
User: It's working!!! I wonder why it didn't work when I did it.
Do not hesitate, especially when you're trying to BS a user. It is a definite tip-off, even when you're being truthful. Always keep them busy-- that's why MicroSoft includes MSD and Sysedit; and why MacOS has extensions.
User: Your program gives this strange error message when I try to launch it on my Mac.
Tech: First, let's try restarting without extensions. That usually clears it up.
Tech: (Hunts for anything pertaining to that unusual error message while the user is busy.)
Pregnant pauses or holding can be useful sometimes for adding credence to BS answers
User: When will you guys add a world domination option to your word processor?
Tech: Let me check on that for you.
Tech: (Places caller on hold while plays a couple hands of solitare.) It's tentatively scheduled to be in the next release, but it's rather low on the list of priorities so it might not make it in.
Users magically find what they couldn't before if you tell them they need to reinstall
Tech: ...Look again. The Network control panel should be in there.
User: I've told you three times already, it's not there.
Tech: That's a basic Win95 component. If it's not there, you'll need to reinstall Win95.
User: (Almost instantly) Wait! I found it!
Never believe a user; convince yourself.
User: I can't print from Word!
Tech: Have other programs the same problem?
User: NO!
Tech: Please open Notepad, type ABC123 and select file-print....
User: Does not print....
Tech: Well, you do not have a Word specific problem.
User: But its the only program I use...
People generally can't handle the technical details behind why something happens. Use analogies.
Tech: A general protection fault is like two cars on the freeway trying to occupy the same lane at the same time. They crash. We need to find out who caused the car crash and check memory to see if it made the freeway too narrow and forced the cars to crash.
If a user demands an explaination for a fix and you're not sure, make up a very "technical" one
Tech: You've had a critical error which cause a warp-code meltdown and I reset the buffer switch in the jibberish.ini file
Some users must be reminded why they called you, instead of fixing it themselves
Tech: Well, sir, it is your computer and you don't have to change the init string if you don't want to. However, there's not much point to our talking if you won't accept my suggestions.
Don't try to force your knowledge on someone
Tech: What kind of internet connection do you have?
User: Netscape
Tech: Hmm, that'd probably be dial-up PPP.
User: No, I said I use Netscape to get on the net!
Tech: There's no such connection type as 'Netscape'.
User:Well, I am using it.. Don't you feel dumb now?