Found on the CanAm forum:
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Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

Dear Mr. Baker,

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f**k with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

Cecelia

The above letter has been found on several other sites. :)

Here are a few more:

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Dear Mr.Chambers,
I Quit !
An offer of 1 million pounds plus free sex with a page three girl could not convince me
to stay with your company. A position of junior goat herder in Mongolia would be a more
positive career step, than staying here.

What a shame. Our group have worked well, but, yet have been criminally overlooked.

Finally: If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.

Signed,
K. Simpson


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FAO : Lisa S. Bramer

Please take note of the fact that I am hereby tendering my resignation from ***,
effective, September 1, 2000.

While I have a high degree of personal respect for you and the opportunities you
have offered me, I am no longer comfortable working for a technology organization
largely populated by politocrats, vengeful rivalries, and fiefdoms reminiscent of
imperial Chinese literature. In fact, I dare say that I would rather be tied in a
leather bag with ravenous, rabid ocelots than remain at this company any longer than
the next two weeks.

It was my sincere hope that the reptilian extraterrestrial tyrants who clandestinely
own and operate the Technology Group would reveal themselves during my tenure here,
but it appears they are far cannier then I ever gave them credit for.
Hopefully, their insidious plot to befoul the Americanfinancial industry with foolish
and ill-advised technology policies will eventually be revealed, but until then it seems
their plans may march on uncontested. I give you due credit, for choosing to remain
here to fight this hideous alien menace from within.
God's speed, and may the Force be with you.

Sincerely,
Tom Flander



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Dear Editor,

I would like to confirm my status as the latest rodent to vacate your increasingly
leaky vessel.
Yours,

Harold Jameson


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Mr. X,

As an employee of an institution of higher education,I have a few very basic expectations.
Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common
ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoyingharassment of myself and my co-workers
during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true
genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little
nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste
of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen.



I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement
to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of
"cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as
incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand
why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this
will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality
than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others.
You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for yourinterview, but now
that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off onoverworked staff, hoping their talent will
cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that
everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.



Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal,
I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.
Regards,

Jan Van Bronkel



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Dear Unpersonable B*tch

As per the piece of crap I signed on my first day of this dreaded job, I hereby give 2 minutes
notice of myintention to leave this awful company. I want to thank you for all you have not
done for me in my employment here.


It has been sheer torture working for you and representing this crappy company.
It is now time for me to move on and I have accepted a position as a garbage person.
This decision was quite easy and took little consideration.


However, I am confident that this new role represents a step up from this piece of crap job.
I wish the company would go to pieces and hope one day you too will realise that you cannot
manage your way out of a paper bag.


Glad to be gone,
Jenna Anderson

Resignation letter from Santa



Dear boys and girls,

I know this is very short notice, but I wish to tender my resignation.

This is not a decision I have taken lightly.

But I feel you have given me no alternative.

This action might have been averted if my pleas last year, the year before and the past umpteen years had not gone completely unanswered.

But I am sick of the silence, you hear!

I have had enough of being taken for granted.
Mrs Claus has had enough.
The elves have had enough.
And Rudolph the red-nose reindeer and all the other reindeers have had enough (in fact, they're the most angry. They wanted to do one more Christmas Eve run just so they could poop down everyone's chimney but I persuaded them against this course of action. I think they are happy now because of my assurances that I will look after their best interests. Their future is my future.).

Let me recap on my grievances, just so we can all be quite clear about why I am quitting:

1. When I started out at this job, the world's population was something less than a billion. Now there are more than six billion, and my hours are considerably longer. I am constantly being told to work smarter, not harder. Yeah, right. As if? The mistake I made was trusting my employers.



2. It is all very quaint - very Christmassy - being towed around the world on a sleigh drawn by reindeer. But we are have embarked on the third millennium, for goodness sake. Surely the technology exists to replace the reindeer with a rocket or a Very Fast Train. The reindeer are slow. Dead slow. I dread the Christmas Eve one of them actually keels over from exhaustion. Have you ever called roadside service and asked if they fixed dead reindeer? On Christmas Eve?

3. I have not had a pay rise since 1812 and my uniform has not been updated for longer. Even the army of part-time workers at McDonald's gets paid more than me, and look a whole lot smarter in their sensible outfits. I feel like an underpaid, unkempt dork.

4. Nobody ever buys me anything for Christmas. Not once in several hundred years of faithful work. I don't want much. An electric shaver would have been nice. Or a meat mincer. Yeah, Mrs Claus and I could have done with that.

5. Many households make a big fuss about leaving out a snack for Santa. In theory, this is very nice. When little boys and girls go to bed, they usually tell their parents to make sure that they leave out a glass of beer and some cake for Santa, and a carrot for the reindeer. Ha, and who gets to have the beer and the cake? Not me! It's usually your daddies. The only thing left by the time I get there is a carrot for the reindeers. They're welcome to it. The last thing I want is orange poop.

6. Speaking of calls of nature, where on earth am I supposed to go? That's another thing about the old-fashioned sleigh. There are no toilets on board and Santa's prostate gland is not what it used to be.

7. I really hate to dob them in but I suspect that Rudolph, Dancer, Prancer, Skippy, Flipper, Kimba, Gentle Ben and Rin Tin Tin are losing it anyway. They don't know who I am half the time and it's just as well they trust me with their lives. I have told them I will take care of them, no matter what.

8. When I started in this job, long before I had whiskers of my own and had to don a false beard, it made a lot of sense to have my headquarters at the North Pole. No more though - there's a lot of boys and girls down in the southern hemisphere now. What didn't you understand about my request to be relocated to a seaside apartment at Bondi Beach? You would have saved me a lot of emotional turmoil.

9. I am sick and tired of being ripped off. Do you know how many hundreds of thousands of Santa Claus imposters there are around the world, pretending to be me, and usually getting paid for it, at shopping centres and in parades? They are not real (if you want proof, tug their beards or ask them to name all the reindeers). And do I, the Real McCoy, get a cent of commission? No. Nor do I profit from countless Christmas cards bearing my image or stupid comic pieces written at my expense.

10. Chimneys are not what they used to be. Nearly every house used to have a big, stone chimney for me to come down. No more. As people have got smarter and installed heat pumps, and electric and gas heating, my job has become a lot harder. It's all very well for your parents to assure you, 'don't worry, kids, Santa will probably slip in through the heating ducts.' I'm the silly bugger who has to work out how to do it. The problem is 10 times more difficult if you have to direct a senile orange-pooping reindeer to a small aperture on the roof.

Despite all this, boys and girls, I shall miss you.

And I am really deeply sorry that when you wake up on Christmas morning, your stockings will be empty.

But I hope you will all wish me well in my new venture.

I have seen the light and started working smarter, rather than harder.

It's a dog-eat-dog world and if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

If you are ever up this way, be sure to pop in and see me at Santa's bulk meats. My carrot-fed reindeer mince is delicious.

More funny resignation letters : http://www.i-resign.com/uk/letters/funny_letters.asp

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Now onto some resume and refference advice:

Things you might not want to have in your resume...


"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."

"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

"It's best for employers that I not work with people."

"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

"Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore."

"References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

"Marital status: often. Children: various."

"Finished eighth in class of ten."


These lines reputedly came from Military Performance Appraisals:


Bright as Alaska in December.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.


These apparently come from corporate Performance Evaluations:


"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"This employee is depriving a village of an idiot."

"This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

Boy there are some clasics in that last one. I love the system administrator one there is a lot of truth in that one. If anyone knows what you have been doing on the network it would be the systems administrator :)