Miyu
03-06-2003, 06:59 PM
From alt.fan.starwars
Since some have asked, here is a short list of the upcoming surprises in
Episode III:
- Britney Spears's cameo as one of the last senators. She will
advise Yoda on political matters, speaking in rhymed lines.
- Han Solo's cameo, as Qui-Gon's nephew.
- Cameos by characters who were not originally included in parts IV,
V or VI, but who traditionally belong in the Star Wars
universe - ET, Indiana Jones, Howard the Duck, and Spider-Man.
- Farting humans and aliens, as an expansion to the original
farting animals.
- Cameo by Lucas's kids and their schoolmates as Jedi apprentices.
- Street dealers of illegal substances designed to shoot your
midichlorian level up and "get you jedhigh", with Obi-Wan saying
"NO!" to them.
- The midichlorian theory will actually be dropped and replaced by
a more spiritual one: all future candidates for the Jedi, it turns
out, are visited by the Force Fairy the night after their birth
and granted their future powers by her. The Force Fairy will be
played by Whoopi Goldberg. Her Force Fwand will be designed by
Giorgio Armani and ILM.
- Bar-Bra Binkstreis's closing song, performed with Sellin' D-Yon.
- In response to the pleas of fans disappointed with Jar-Jar's short
screen time in "Clones", the lovable Gungan will be featured much
more prominently in Episode III. In fact (spoiler!), his innocent
antics will turn out to be the reason behind the creation of Darth
Vader (Jar-Jar will absent-mindedly drop a Gunbanana peel behind
Anakin, causing the latter to slip and fall into a volcano, to add
some much-needed comical relief to the overall grim scene of the
battle between Anakin and Obi-Wan.)
- Numerous plot fragments will be added in an attempt to expand
on characters who were originally throwaway background ones, but
surprisingly became cash... err, fan favorites (more Boba
Fett, Salacious Crumb...)
- The triumphant return of world's best actor, Jake Lloyd, as Darth
Lau-Zee Ack'Tin, Darth Sidious's "middle" apprentice.
- Everything will take place - surprise! - on Tatooine. Again.
- Commandant Lassard's cadets go to Iraq... oh, sorry, that's the
surprise that "Police Academy 8" is going to be.
- The rumors of a non-graphical yet openly sexual in nature scene
with Jabba and Sarlacc are *not* true.
- The utter lack of continuity will be finally explained. There will
be a big scene devoted to this matter (since the movie will open
at the same instant all over the world, all fans will see it right
away.) This is it, from the first draft of the script:
"ROLL CREDITS
(Enter a bearded man in a flannel shirt. We recognize him
immediately - it's GEORGE LUCAS.)
GEORGE LUCAS
Hi. My name's George Lucas. I'm the creator of the Star Wars universe.
Many of you have asked about the supposed "lack of continuity" between
parts I, II, III and IV, V and VI - and I'm here to elaborate on that.
You see, there is a perfectly logical explanation for every single alleged
"continuity error" that bothered you, and it's...
(GEORGE LUCAS stops abruptly, opens his eyes widely, and throws his
arm forward, pointing at something that's seemingly in front of him)
GEORGE LUCAS
Look behind you! It's the Millennium Falcon!!!
(The audience turns back, and, not seeing anything but fellow moviegoers
looking back, turn to the screen again - but George Lucas is no longer
there. The audience faces an empty screen, as we...)
FADE TO BLACK
Since some have asked, here is a short list of the upcoming surprises in
Episode III:
- Britney Spears's cameo as one of the last senators. She will
advise Yoda on political matters, speaking in rhymed lines.
- Han Solo's cameo, as Qui-Gon's nephew.
- Cameos by characters who were not originally included in parts IV,
V or VI, but who traditionally belong in the Star Wars
universe - ET, Indiana Jones, Howard the Duck, and Spider-Man.
- Farting humans and aliens, as an expansion to the original
farting animals.
- Cameo by Lucas's kids and their schoolmates as Jedi apprentices.
- Street dealers of illegal substances designed to shoot your
midichlorian level up and "get you jedhigh", with Obi-Wan saying
"NO!" to them.
- The midichlorian theory will actually be dropped and replaced by
a more spiritual one: all future candidates for the Jedi, it turns
out, are visited by the Force Fairy the night after their birth
and granted their future powers by her. The Force Fairy will be
played by Whoopi Goldberg. Her Force Fwand will be designed by
Giorgio Armani and ILM.
- Bar-Bra Binkstreis's closing song, performed with Sellin' D-Yon.
- In response to the pleas of fans disappointed with Jar-Jar's short
screen time in "Clones", the lovable Gungan will be featured much
more prominently in Episode III. In fact (spoiler!), his innocent
antics will turn out to be the reason behind the creation of Darth
Vader (Jar-Jar will absent-mindedly drop a Gunbanana peel behind
Anakin, causing the latter to slip and fall into a volcano, to add
some much-needed comical relief to the overall grim scene of the
battle between Anakin and Obi-Wan.)
- Numerous plot fragments will be added in an attempt to expand
on characters who were originally throwaway background ones, but
surprisingly became cash... err, fan favorites (more Boba
Fett, Salacious Crumb...)
- The triumphant return of world's best actor, Jake Lloyd, as Darth
Lau-Zee Ack'Tin, Darth Sidious's "middle" apprentice.
- Everything will take place - surprise! - on Tatooine. Again.
- Commandant Lassard's cadets go to Iraq... oh, sorry, that's the
surprise that "Police Academy 8" is going to be.
- The rumors of a non-graphical yet openly sexual in nature scene
with Jabba and Sarlacc are *not* true.
- The utter lack of continuity will be finally explained. There will
be a big scene devoted to this matter (since the movie will open
at the same instant all over the world, all fans will see it right
away.) This is it, from the first draft of the script:
"ROLL CREDITS
(Enter a bearded man in a flannel shirt. We recognize him
immediately - it's GEORGE LUCAS.)
GEORGE LUCAS
Hi. My name's George Lucas. I'm the creator of the Star Wars universe.
Many of you have asked about the supposed "lack of continuity" between
parts I, II, III and IV, V and VI - and I'm here to elaborate on that.
You see, there is a perfectly logical explanation for every single alleged
"continuity error" that bothered you, and it's...
(GEORGE LUCAS stops abruptly, opens his eyes widely, and throws his
arm forward, pointing at something that's seemingly in front of him)
GEORGE LUCAS
Look behind you! It's the Millennium Falcon!!!
(The audience turns back, and, not seeing anything but fellow moviegoers
looking back, turn to the screen again - but George Lucas is no longer
there. The audience faces an empty screen, as we...)
FADE TO BLACK