POSSIBLE NEW COMPUTER LANGUAGES

C-
This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
best described as a "low level" programming language. In general, the
language requires more C- statements than machine code instructions to
execute a given task. In this respect it is very similar to COBOL.

DOGO
Developed at MIOT (Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training).
DOGO heralds a new era of computer literate pets. DOGO commands
include SIT, HEEL, STAY, PLAY
feature of DOGO is "puppy graphics", a small cocker spaniel that
occasionally leaves deposits as it travels across the screen.

FIFTH
FIFTH is a precise mathematical language in which the data types refer
to quantities. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, JIGGER, to
FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM, and BLOTTO.
Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET,
GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, CANADIAN, COORS, BUD,
EVERCLEAR, and WHAT
reflect the sophistication and financial status of its user. Commands
in the ELITE dialect include VSOP, LAFITE and WAITERS
The GUTTER dialect commands include THUNDERBIRD, RIPPLE and HOUSE
The GUTTER dialect is a particular favorite of frustrated FORTH
programmers who end up using this language.

LAIDBACK
This language was developed at the Marin County Center for Tai Chi,
Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as as alternative
to the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. The center
was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while they
worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there because the
center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and Perrier.
Many mourned the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
gentle and non-threatening language since all error messages are in
lower case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
message: I hate to bother you, but I just can't relate to that. can
you find the time to try again?

LITHP
This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence
of an "S" in its character set. Programmers and users must substitute
"TH". LITHP is said to be useful prothething a litht. This language
was developed in San Francisco.

REAGAN
This language was also created in California but is now widely used
in Washington D.C. It is the current subset of the international
bureaucratic language known as DOUBLESPEAK. Commands include
REVENUE
CHOP
removed from these commands and MEESE is on the newest version.
The operating system used is NEW
THE
link with BONZO resulting with a SNOOZE. COMMIES(program bugs) are
removed with the GRENADA command. A Reagan program commences with
LANDSLIDE and ends with SENILITY.

RENE
Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] great
city of ours." The center
is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have almost
succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases
to exist.

SARTE
Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTE is an extremely
unstructured language. Statements in SARTE have no purpose; they just
are. Thus SARTE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTE
programmers tend to be boring and depressing and are no fun at
parties.

SIMPLE
SIMPLE is the acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
Linguistic Environment. This language, developed at Hanover College
for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
code with errors in it. The statements are confined to BEGIN, END, and
STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a
syntax error.

SLOBOL
SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of the compiler.
Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
compile, the SLOBOL compile allows you to travel to Columbia to pick
the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
compile.

VALGOL
From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando
Valley, Valgol is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y
Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other
operators include the California Booleans, AX and NOWAY. Repetitions
are handled in FOR-SURE loops. Here is a sample program:

LIKE, Y
IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND
VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2
THEN

FOR I=LIKE 1 TO OH
DO
BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
SURE

LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
REALLY
LIKE TOTALLY(Y
IM
GOTO THE MALL

VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For example,
when the makes a syntax error, the interpreter
displays the message:

GAG ME WITH A
SPOON!!########################################### ####################
###############