Silent Bob
09-19-2003, 11:39 PM
A young man was about to mount a rather large woman when she suddenly
looked a little serious. "Paul?" she asked. "Have you taken the necessary
precautions?" "Oh yes," replied Paul confidently. "I've tied my feet to the end of
the bed."
Spurred on by a very high wager,
a German musician named Bager
Proceeded to fart
The whole oboe part
Of Hayden's Octet in B Major.
When he comes home from work one night, a long-married man finds his
wife packing her suitcases.
"Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm heading for the nearest whore house to become a call-girl. Every
time we bang, I do it for free, but every time I bang a John, I'll get
one hundred dollars."
"All right. But I am coming with you."
"What for?"
"I want to see how you'll live on two hundred dollars a year."
Frankie, the town's own lover boy, sticks his head into Al's barber shop
and asks "How many are ahead of me?" Al counts the heads and says "Eight."
Frankie says he'll return but he doesn't come back until the next day.
Again he asks "How many are ahead of me?" Al counts the men sitting in
his shop and replies "Six". Frankie says he'll be back later. Again the
next day, Frankie sticks his head in the door and asks how many are ahead
of him and when he gets an answer, he says he'll be back later. But this
time, Al, who wants to know what the hell's going on, asks one of his
buddies to follow Frankie. When the customer returns, Al asks him, "Well,
where'd he go?" "To your house."
His first day on the job at a small rural town the new pastor
was surprised when only one person showed up for the ceremony.
Perplexed the pastor said,"Well young man...you'r the only one in
attendence,do you wish me to go on with the sermon ? "
after a silent moment the young cowboy replied " Weeeelll pastor
I don't know much about that religion stuff but I'll tell you this....
If I went out to pasture to slop the hog's and there was only one out
there I guarantee I'd feed it ." Upon this reply the pastor went forth
with his sermon, which lasted for an hour and a half!! When he finished
he asked the cowboy " Well, son, did you learn anything ?
" Weeellll ",the cowboy said. " I didn't understand a lot of it but I'll
tell you this.....If I go out to pasture to slop the hog's and there is
only one there I sure wouldn't give it the whole load !! "
Q. What is mustard?
A. When you have to go to the bathroom real bad.
Q> What is 6.9?
A> A good thing interrupted by a period.
Two Bikers were cruising down a country road when they encountered a pig
entangled in a barbwire fence.
The pig was stuck in so that its rear end was facing the road with its legs
stuck straight up in the air.
One biker says to the other:
"I wish that was Raquel Welch stuck in that fence with her legs
stuck up in the air like that!"
The next one says:
"I wish that was Sophia Loren stuck in that fence with her legs
stuck up in the air like that!"
A few moments pass...
and both bikers say:
"I wish it was dark!"
Q: What has 30 teeth and an I.Q. of 80?
A: The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.
It seems there was this hitch hiker in Guelph, looking for a brighter
future in Waterloo. Well, he starts his trip and after a while of
pointing his thumb, he finally gets a ride.
It was a truckdriver from parts unknown. Our hero climbs in the
cab and head out on their way. After a few minutes, the hitch hiker
notices that there was a monkey playing around in the sleeper.
So he turns to the guy and says, "What's the monkey for?"
The driver laughs, and says "watch this". He takes his elbow and
smashes the monkey right square in the face and knocks him flying back
into the sleeper. Well, the monkey is a little dazed at first but then
he jumps in the front, unzips the drivers pants and, administers ....
(well, you can use your imagination)
By now, the hitch hiker is freaking out. The monkey finishes his business
and then jumps back in the sleeper. The driver turns to the hitch hiker and
says, "Wanna try it?"
The hitch hiker says eagerly, "Sure, but I just hope you don't hit me
so hard!"
THE LEGLESS PARROT.
A very jealous man decides to buy a talking parrot to keep an eye on his wife
while he's away during the day.
When he gets to the pet store, all he finds is a parrot with no legs.
--What do you care?'' says the guy at the store,
--what you really want is a parrot that talks, right?''
Once at home, he carefully balanced the parrot on its perch and instructed it
to be ready to give him areport on his wife's movements that night.
When he comes back from work he finds the parrot on the floor of the cage,
all excited, and eager to deliver its report. --Yeah, boss, you were right,''
the parrot started, --as soon as you left the house, another man came in and,
right away, him and your wife started to do some heavy necking, right there in
front of me.' --Ha! Shameless woman,'' said the man, --then what happened?''
--Well,'' continued the parrot, --then they started to tug and pull at their
clothes, and they went down to the floor.''
--Yeah? And then what happened?''
--Then, your wife got really hot and bothered and started to pull the guy
towards your bedroom!'
--Yeah? And then what happened?''
--I don't know! I got a hard on and fell off my perch!!!''
looked a little serious. "Paul?" she asked. "Have you taken the necessary
precautions?" "Oh yes," replied Paul confidently. "I've tied my feet to the end of
the bed."
Spurred on by a very high wager,
a German musician named Bager
Proceeded to fart
The whole oboe part
Of Hayden's Octet in B Major.
When he comes home from work one night, a long-married man finds his
wife packing her suitcases.
"Where are you going?" he asks.
"I'm heading for the nearest whore house to become a call-girl. Every
time we bang, I do it for free, but every time I bang a John, I'll get
one hundred dollars."
"All right. But I am coming with you."
"What for?"
"I want to see how you'll live on two hundred dollars a year."
Frankie, the town's own lover boy, sticks his head into Al's barber shop
and asks "How many are ahead of me?" Al counts the heads and says "Eight."
Frankie says he'll return but he doesn't come back until the next day.
Again he asks "How many are ahead of me?" Al counts the men sitting in
his shop and replies "Six". Frankie says he'll be back later. Again the
next day, Frankie sticks his head in the door and asks how many are ahead
of him and when he gets an answer, he says he'll be back later. But this
time, Al, who wants to know what the hell's going on, asks one of his
buddies to follow Frankie. When the customer returns, Al asks him, "Well,
where'd he go?" "To your house."
His first day on the job at a small rural town the new pastor
was surprised when only one person showed up for the ceremony.
Perplexed the pastor said,"Well young man...you'r the only one in
attendence,do you wish me to go on with the sermon ? "
after a silent moment the young cowboy replied " Weeeelll pastor
I don't know much about that religion stuff but I'll tell you this....
If I went out to pasture to slop the hog's and there was only one out
there I guarantee I'd feed it ." Upon this reply the pastor went forth
with his sermon, which lasted for an hour and a half!! When he finished
he asked the cowboy " Well, son, did you learn anything ?
" Weeellll ",the cowboy said. " I didn't understand a lot of it but I'll
tell you this.....If I go out to pasture to slop the hog's and there is
only one there I sure wouldn't give it the whole load !! "
Q. What is mustard?
A. When you have to go to the bathroom real bad.
Q> What is 6.9?
A> A good thing interrupted by a period.
Two Bikers were cruising down a country road when they encountered a pig
entangled in a barbwire fence.
The pig was stuck in so that its rear end was facing the road with its legs
stuck straight up in the air.
One biker says to the other:
"I wish that was Raquel Welch stuck in that fence with her legs
stuck up in the air like that!"
The next one says:
"I wish that was Sophia Loren stuck in that fence with her legs
stuck up in the air like that!"
A few moments pass...
and both bikers say:
"I wish it was dark!"
Q: What has 30 teeth and an I.Q. of 80?
A: The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.
It seems there was this hitch hiker in Guelph, looking for a brighter
future in Waterloo. Well, he starts his trip and after a while of
pointing his thumb, he finally gets a ride.
It was a truckdriver from parts unknown. Our hero climbs in the
cab and head out on their way. After a few minutes, the hitch hiker
notices that there was a monkey playing around in the sleeper.
So he turns to the guy and says, "What's the monkey for?"
The driver laughs, and says "watch this". He takes his elbow and
smashes the monkey right square in the face and knocks him flying back
into the sleeper. Well, the monkey is a little dazed at first but then
he jumps in the front, unzips the drivers pants and, administers ....
(well, you can use your imagination)
By now, the hitch hiker is freaking out. The monkey finishes his business
and then jumps back in the sleeper. The driver turns to the hitch hiker and
says, "Wanna try it?"
The hitch hiker says eagerly, "Sure, but I just hope you don't hit me
so hard!"
THE LEGLESS PARROT.
A very jealous man decides to buy a talking parrot to keep an eye on his wife
while he's away during the day.
When he gets to the pet store, all he finds is a parrot with no legs.
--What do you care?'' says the guy at the store,
--what you really want is a parrot that talks, right?''
Once at home, he carefully balanced the parrot on its perch and instructed it
to be ready to give him areport on his wife's movements that night.
When he comes back from work he finds the parrot on the floor of the cage,
all excited, and eager to deliver its report. --Yeah, boss, you were right,''
the parrot started, --as soon as you left the house, another man came in and,
right away, him and your wife started to do some heavy necking, right there in
front of me.' --Ha! Shameless woman,'' said the man, --then what happened?''
--Well,'' continued the parrot, --then they started to tug and pull at their
clothes, and they went down to the floor.''
--Yeah? And then what happened?''
--Then, your wife got really hot and bothered and started to pull the guy
towards your bedroom!'
--Yeah? And then what happened?''
--I don't know! I got a hard on and fell off my perch!!!''