Subj:.Copier Alert

Xerox Recalls 3D Copier

Xerox officials held an emergency press conference Wedensday to
announce a total recall of all Reprotron 5000 Three-Dimensional
Copy Machines. Xerox stock has plummeted to a new all-time low
since the release of the innovative device. Xerox hailed the
Reprotron 5000 as a "new revolution in copying" when it introduced
the machine just two weeks ago, and market insiders were certain
that the copier would send Xerox stock through the roof.

At a demonstration of the Reprotron in August, Xerox staffers made
full three-dimensional copies of an Oriental vase, a bowl of
fruit, and a perfect red rose. Reporters were invited to sample
apples and oranges copied from the original fruit, though Xerox
technicians did warn that the copied fruit might taste slightly of
toner. John Thompson (inventor of the Reprotron) stepped forward
to make a copy of a Manhattan phone book, but accidentally copied
his hand and forearm. He quickly disposed of the highly detailed,
frantically wiggling half-limb as it slid out of the copier's
delivery slot.

But Xerox wasn't ready for what happened next. "We assumed that
people would behave as responsible, thinking human beings with
this copier, and obviously we were wrong," Thompson states. From
all across the USA, reports have been filing in of the copier
being used in what Thompson calls "sick, greedy ways."

At a Copy Center in Austin, Texas, a couple was arrested for
making 15 copies of their three-year-old son, Jeremy, and then
refusing to pay for the copies, claiming that some of the new
children were "smudged." Local authorities were uncertain as to
which charges should be pressed.

In Union City, Arizona, Treasury Department officials are
investigating reports of a secretary who allegedly copied a single
bar of gold bullion 150 times. A task force investigator stated,
"Granted, it takes money to make money, but we're almost certain
that this action is in violation of some laws."

Xerox officials are also under fire from consumers, due to rumors
that the three-dimensional copying technology is imperfect.
Harold Butz of Peoria, Pennsylvania, made a copy of a common
cement brick spray-painted gold. Butz claims he was "shocked and
dismayed" when he discovered that the machine-made copy was
22-karat solid gold. "All I wanted was a really good copy of a
cement brick spray-painted gold'" Butz stated. "What the hell am
I going to do with this thing?"

Xerox plans to scrap all the machines they are able to recall, but
Thompson expressed concern over the so-called "black market
Reprotrons." "Apparently some sick and greedy people discovered
that if they had two machines, they could use one to make a
working copy of the other," Thompson revealed. "To tell the
truth, we only sold two machines in all - - to the Cappelli
family, a New Jersey based Meat packing firm. These copy pirates
should be aware that as with anything that is copied from a copy
and so on, there are bound to be defects in the copies produced.
We have no idea what kind of stuff will pop out of the slot when a
person copies something on a fourth- or fifth-generation machine."
Thompson declined to comment on reports that hundreds of the
pirated machines have a human thumb attached to the coin slot
which constantly wiggles - the result of a person's thumb getting
in the way during one of the original copier-to-copier copies.

"Ultimately, we're not too worried," Thompson stated. "People
owning the copiers will eventually run out of the fluid that make
the machine work, and we've taken all the fluid off the market. A
machine can only last two weeks or so without a fluid refill, and
there won't be any fluid refills." When asked why people with
copiers couldn't simply make copies of the fluid cannisters they
already have, Xerox officials hastily ended the press conference,
stating that they "need to reconsider a few things."
{Harvard Lampoon's parody of USA Today}