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MONEY:

It can buy a House...............But not a Home

It can buy a Bed..................But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock................But not Time

It can buy a Book..........But not Knowledge

It can buy a Position......But not Respect

It can buy Medicine.......But not Health

It can buy Blood............But not Life

It can buy Sex..............But not Love

So you see money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because...........

I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering.............

So send me all your money..........

And I will suffer for you.

CASH ONLY PLEASE

Thought this was gonna be one of those "inspirational" ones, didn't you????

Blame MUM

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen!"

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heh..so true....

“A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

“He stops in midswing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: ‘Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.’

“The man then replies: ‘Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.’”

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Four Secrets to a Happy Relationship



1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans, helps care for the kids, and who makes money.
2. It is important to find a man who loves to spend money on you, and show you a good time.
3. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
4. It is important that these three men never meet.

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To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)

Quotes From Induhviduals
-------------------------

Observant DNRC members continue to send me true quotes of
Induhviduals. After staring at the list for a while I realized that if I put them together they make an excellent story:

Excellent Story:

We were sitting on our hands, twiddling our thumbs, when suddenly the door opened. It made the hair on my back stand on end. He was smoking like a fish and swearing like a stuck pig. I could tell from his shifty eyes that he might try to pull the fox over my leg.

"Do you have a pen?" he asked. "I need to make a mental note."

I didn't want him to stick my pen into his ear, but I also didn't think it would be a good idea to rattle the barrel because the monkeys might shoot the fish. So I offered my pen.

"Do you seriously think I came up the river on a banana tree?" he growled before slapping the pen from my hand.

I wanted to fight him, but I already had too many hands in the fire. Still, you have to kill the stone with the bird while you can. He was slow as Moses. I kicked him where the moon don't shine. I didn't want to beat a dead bush, so I waited for his next move. The ball was in his camp now. He didn't look like he had both oars in his basket, but maybe I was trying too hard to read between the tea leaves.

The End

To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)

Induhvidual Tales
----------------------

Here are some inspirational tales of Induhviduals, submitted by
DNRC members. As usual, I suspect that many of them are either urban legend or lifted from past Dilbert Newsletters that I've forgotten. But that doesn't make them less funny.

--

My older sister was ranting about something and I commented, "You're acting pretty stupid, ya know?" Her defence? "I'm not acting!!!"

---

During a discussion of requirements for a new system we are developing, my manager stated that he wants "24 x 7 availability, 5 days a week!"

---

About a month ago, I was unable to avoid listening to a co-worker in the next cube. He was on the phone talking to his wife about their son, and I heard, "He hit you? No, don't take that at all. Smack him if he hits you again." I wonder where his son learned how to resolve problems? Today I heard him talking to his wife about their daughter being in a fistfight. The mystery deepens.

---

In class, the teacher told us to answer questions one and two. A quick-thinking student needed more clarity and asked, "Is that one AND two, or one THROUGH two?"

---

We recently interviewed a job candidate who told us that the thing she liked least about her previous jobs was that she was "always getting written up." Her explanation for the write-ups included fighting with co-workers, being late, and making mistakes. I hope this was just a practice interview because she needs it!

---

In my high school biology class we somehow got on the topic of birth and the teacher mentioned that his father was the first premature baby in the state to have used an incubator. One Induhvidual raised his hand and asked, "Did he survive?"

---

While I was working my boss came up to me and asked "How much ink will it take for me to scan this into my computer?" I replied that I didn't know and that he should scan it in and see.

More appropriate for some of us than others....

A POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER 40
A Computer was something on TV
From a Science Fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And Ram was the father of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And Gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really Mega Bytes.
An Application was for employment
A Program was a TV show
A Cursor used profanity
A Keyboard was a piano.
A Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you Unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a Backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A Web was a spider's home
And a Virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the Memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a Computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

From All of us former geeks

some of these are actually good... funny, but good... ;-)

Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays:

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleaner.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

DATING:
The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY:
A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT:
A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND:
A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE:
A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT:
What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC:
A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER:
A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION:
The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT:
What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY:
How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

Joke #1: Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Joke #2: Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.

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Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" --George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE!! Please use these helpful hints this and every year.

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws.

This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

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Here are some true tales of Individuals as reported by DNRC members.

--

A cow-orker related an experience that she had at another company last year where she was a supervisor. The company encouraged employees to wear costumes to work on Halloween. So last Halloween she was mortified to be ordered to lay off some of her employees, while dressed as a clown.

--

I was complaining about being bored by a repetitive project, and I made a comment about wishing I had a book-on-tape. My co-worker looked at my blankly and asked, "What do you need to know about tape?"

--

Seen on a resume: "I am an expert poofreader."

--

I have a high-school pottery class. One morning, a fellow student sat down at his pottery wheel and complained that someone left it all messy. He failed to understand that every student has his own exclusive wheel assigned to him, and he was looking at his own mess from the previous day.

At the end of class, he started to get up, and I reminded him that he was supposed to clean up after himself. He said, "I'm going to leave it as a lesson to whoever did it to me that they're supposed to clean up their own mess!"

--

A few years ago, my wife quit her job to be a stay-at-home mother. Before she quit she offered to work part time. Two bosses took her to lunch to discuss this possibility. During the lunch one boss looked at her and said, "But you're working so hard already. I don't understand how you'll be able to do all your work in half the time."

--

A former boss of mine was collecting contributions for a political cause. One day we found him making photocopies of $5, $10 and $20 bills, front and back. When questioned, he said, "My accountant told me to make copies of everything, for tax purposes." I tried to explain that his accountant was only referring to receipts and deposit slips, but he could not be dissuaded.

--

At a restaurant, my slightly toasted friend was inspired to order fried mushrooms, an item not found on the menu. The server, resembling the one exasperated by Jack Nicholson's character in "Five Easy Pieces," tried to resist taking the special order. She finally gave in to my friend's disjointed insistence and recorded his detailed instructions for preparing the mushrooms.

Weeks later, we returned to the restaurant, equally toasted, and spring-loaded to order the mushrooms again. The very same server came to take our order.

My friend, a bit flustered at the prospect of providing a long explanation, said, "Hi, uh, we're the mushroom people."

The server replied with cold satisfaction: "Yes, I thought so."

--

I showed a cow-orker the cartoon of "Dogbert the Investment Banker" from the week of October 21st (http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/1021.html).

This was part of the conversation:

Cow-orker : You'd think he would, like, catch on about the dog by now.

DNRC Member: It's a cartoon.

Cow-orker: Well, in that case, it loses the realism of the thing. I mean, like, how dumb are we supposed to think that guy is? If a dog tried to consult with me more than once I would, like, recognize it.

--

I'm in college, and a good friend of mine had come over to my dorm to study for a test with me. An environmental group had put up fliers in my hall that read, "One American uses as much energy per
year as 250,000 Ethiopians." My friend read this, looked at me indignantly, and said, "Well, what do they want us to do? Just stand still or something?"

On a related note, she is in the honours program at my school.

--

I always knew that my cow-orker, Bob, was the boss's pet, but it really hit home one day when Bob and I were working together in my office. The boss called:

Me: Hello

Boss: Is that you, Bob?

Me: No, it's Doug.

Boss: Oh Doug, you're just the one I want to talk to.

Me: That's great, boss, what's up?

Boss: Where's Bob?

--

I was giving holiday dates to an Induhvidual to enter into his electronic diary. I said, "Good Friday, 29th March," to which he replied, "And what day of the week is that?"

--

I was talking with a person who runs an IT consulting company about including a list of assumptions in a presentation. She disagreed with including the assumptions, saying, "Making an assumption is something completely different than assuming something. Assumptions are conclusions, and assuming is a pre-conclusion. I don't think you can say that something is an assumption when you've assumed it." THAT'S VERBATIM.

--

An air-conditioning manufacturer recently introduced a new line of diffusers (the thing in the ceiling that air comes out of), specifically for prisons, that has "anti-suicidal" features. In the write-up, they state the reasons why this is a good thing:

"Suicide takes a toll on facility administration by wasting time and money combating negligence claims. Suicide also increases facility staff stress and decreases morale."

--

I worked as an accountant in a paper mill where my boss decided that it would improve motivation to split a bonus between the two shifts based on what percentage of the total production each one accomplished.

The workers quickly realized that it was easier to sabotage the next shift than to make more paper. Cow-orkers put glue in locks, loosened nuts on equipment so it would fall apart, you name it. The bonus scheme was abandoned after about ten days, to avoid all-out civil war.

--

I would like to make a nomination for the most demeaning job title in the workplace. At my local supermarket there are signs informing customers that a "Checkout Captain" is available to help them pack their groceries.

[Editor's note: I'm glad it's a captain, because I wouldn't want their privates to touch my food.]

--

My cow-orker complained to her son's football coach because he put her son on the "special teams." She told the coach that her son might be slow but was not mentally challenged and deserved to play with all the other boys.

--

During a workshop we were invited to tell the audience about our personal projects. A cow-orker said that he intended to go trekking in Tibet. The moderator asked him whether he planned to see the Dalai Lama, which is clueless enough. But my colleague topped it, saying, "Sure I will, and maybe even climb it."

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True Quotes From Induhviduals
-----------------------------

Here are more true quotes from Induhviduals, most from the mouths of managers. The key points are that people don't know what a "craw" is, and it's bad to be a horse.

"That really burns my craw!"

"Don't bite the gift horse."

"That makes the hair on the back of my neck really stick in my craw."

"Never screw a gift-horse in the mouth."

"He's trying to pull the buffalo over our eyes."

"I've got a real beef to grind with that guy."

"A penny saved is worth two in the bush."

"He opened up that can of worms, let him swim in them."

"I don't know about him, but it's completely win-win for me."

"I don't want to put all my monkeys in one barrel."

"Please don't leave me out with the wolves to dry!"

"I have ears like a hawk."

"We don't want to go at it like a wild bull in Chinatown."

"We shoot ourselves in the wrong feet sometimes."

"You gotta walk with your pants on."

"Layoffs are extremely difficult for all of us -- especially those at risk of losing their jobs."

"We better cover our ass and put it on their heads."

At a meeting, my director wanted to bring up an off-the-point topic. To preface his remark he said, "I don't want to open up a red herring here." When I told him that I was going to write that down and submit it to you, he said, "You're a piece of cake, Bob."

"Sometimes you've just got to grab the cow by the tail and face the music."

"I don't know what else I can do...my shoes are tied."

"Sounds like we're swimming an uphill battle."

"Get on with the bandwagon, or get out of the pot." "You're opening a complete can of Pandora's worms there."

"Don't cry wolf until it's soup...and it's not soup yet."

"Our product will eat the pants off the competition!"

"Utopia? What's that, a country?"

"Let's all corrugate over here to view the artist's contraception of our new building."

"If you're sick, you'd better not come in. I don't want you to start an academic."

Why Dogs are Better than Women

01. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

02. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

03. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

04. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

05. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

06. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

07. A dog's parents never visit.

08. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

09. Dogs agree you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

10. Dogs do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

11. Dogs seldom out-live you.

12. Dogs can't talk.

13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.

14. You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a
day.

15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

16. Dogs like to go hunting.

17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both
of you.

19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you
get another dog?"

20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for
free.

21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them
away.

22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.

23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just
think it's interesting.

25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff

I've created a Yahoo! Group so that you can control how, what format and when you would like receive your jokes...

I shall continue to try and send out one joke each day (when I'm available to do so)...

to subscribe to the group, simply go to:
http://ca.groups.yahoo.com/group/Joke_of_the_Day

or

send a blank e-mail to:
Joke_of_the_Day-subscribe@yahoogroups.ca

if you have a joke you'd like to share, there will be a new address to send them to:
Joke_of_the_Day@yahoogroups.ca

have fun... and share the humour... ;-)

P.S. pictures and flash jokes can be uploaded to the site to the Files and Photos sections... thus not clogging up recipients mail boxes with attachments... just send a note to the list indicating that you've added it... ;-)

When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

long but somewhat risqué....

Three men were walking through the forest one afternoon when they ran into a group of cannibals. The men pleaded for their lives, so the cannibals took them to their king. The king told them:
"If you want to live, you have to successfully complete a task for me. Each of you must go out into the forest and gather a barrel full of one type of fruit or else you will die."
So, each guy went out into the forest to get their fruit. The first man came back with a bunch of apples.
"Now," the king said, "I want you to stick each piece of fruit up your ass without making a face."
The guy proceeded to do so, but after the third apple he grimaced. He was killed and went to heaven.
The second man came back with a bunch of berries. The king told him to do the same as he told the first guy. So, the second guy began to stick the berries up his ass, but as he was on his last piece, he began to crack up. He was killed and sent to heaven.
Up in heaven, the second guy and the first guy reunited. The first guy asked the other:
"You were so close to getting free, why did you laugh?"
The second guy answered with a smile, "I was fine until I saw the third guy come back with a barrel full of watermelons.
:D